Here are some I got from this
website about psychology (What? Psychology can be geeky!)
Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.
---Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed.
It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it.
So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
A man goes to see his psychiatrist.
He says, "Doctor, I've been having suicidal tendencies. What should I do?"
The psychiatrist replies, "Pay your bill today."
"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"Ok, he's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"
(found on site, but funnier on phone so i'm typing the phone humor one!)Psychiatric Hotline:Mental Health Hotline
(The following is both hotlines mixed together!)
Hello and welcome to the psychiatric hotline. please listen carefully to all options before making your selection:
If you Obsessive-Compulsive please press 1 repeatedly.
If you suffer from multiple personality disorder, please press 2, 3 and 4.
If you are co-dependent please ask someone else to press 5 on your behalf.
If you are a nymphomaniac, please stop doing that with the phone, put your clothes back on and then dial extension 69.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic- listen carefully and the little voice in your head will tell you which number to press.
If you are dyslexic press '6'9'6'9'6'9'
If you have a nervous disorder please fidget with the hash key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you suffer from irrational paranoia there is no need to press any button. We already know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate then please be aware that the
thing you are holding the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you.
If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later
If you have low self esteem, hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
(from this website
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."
"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"
---After 12 years of therapy, my psychoanalyst said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo Ingles."
This one brought me to tears!)
(From another site
Secretary to Psychologist: "Doctor, there is a patient here who thinks he is invisible."
Psychologist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."
A man is walking along the street when he is brutally beaten and robbed. He lies unconscious, bleeding.
While he is lying there, a police officer passes by, but crosses to the other side of the road, without trying to help.
A boy scout troop does the same. As do a number of pedestrians.
Finally, a psychologist walks by, and runs up to the man. He bends down and says, "My God! Whoever did this needs help."
Top 10 Signs a Therapist is Approaching Burn-out:
10) You think of the peaceful park you like as "your private therapeutic milieu."
9) You realize that your floridly psychotic patient, who is picking invisible flowers out of mid air, is probably having more fun in life than you are.
A grateful client, who thinks you walk on water, brings you a small gift and you end up having to debrief your feelings of unworthiness with a colleague.7) You are watching a re-run of the Wizard of Oz and you start to categorize the types of delusions that Dorothy had.
6) Your best friend comes to you with severe relationship troubles, and you start trying to remember which cognitive behavioral technique has the most empirical validly for treating this problem.
5) You realize you actually have no friends, they have all become just one big case load.
4) A co-worker asks how you are doing and you reply that you are a bit "internally preoccupied" and "not able to interact with peers" today.
3) Your spouse asks you to set the table and you tell them that it would be "countertherapeutic to your current goals" to do that.
2) You tell your teenage daughter she is not going to start dating boys because she is "in denial," "lacks insight," and her "emotions are not congruent with her chronological age." And, the number one reason a therapist may be burning out...1) You are packing for a trip to a large family holiday reunion and you take the DSM-IV with you just in case.
Some Comics: PavlovMr. PeanutDeathFrankensteinTrust
Okay, I'm done for now. Sorry if they are not' geeky' per say.