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don't rule
out anything. i was a
firm believer in believing nothing. that is to
say, i was more than adequately sure that there
was no possibility of anything occuring after
death. then i began to
read, and filled with my scepticism the reading
turned to reasearch. it
wasn't the books that changed my mind, rather an experience. i'm not going to reaccount it, because it's something i'm not ready to share.
i've already witnessed dishonesty from those
involved, and i'm consequently assuming they just
don't care about it. sometimes huge things can
happen to ordinary people, and a bottle of smirnoff
later they've come to terms with and perhaps even forgotten it. i'm not able to do that. i analyze the smallest gesture
and slightest tone to the point of obsession.
if anything can come from what i've learned, it's that everything is important. the mundane has become sacred, and what was taken for
granted is now cherished.
on the other hand, it also puts things into perspective in a different
light - with this recently aquired knowledge,
it's become more difficult to be bothered with insignificant people's
attempts to offend me.
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i'm a goth,
and i cannot forsee
changing that for a while, but i'm no longer such
an 'angry goth'. i have a friend two years my junior, she's the
epitome of pointless rage. her school life much
the same as my own was plauged with bullying and
name-calling, so she's taken it upon herself to be as outwardly violent to
anyone in her way as possible. i
remember being that way, and i suppose it's not
just 'the experience' that's changed me, but also growing up.
this life is short, so spending a good deal of it
worrying about what townies and blondes have to say about me seems a
terrible waste. i tend
to ignore it even more now, taking comfort in my books and my own company. when i stand back and look at
what i've encountered, it's really the most
amazing thing. far more tactile than i had ever imagined the other side to be.
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